Wordfull

So our struggle with TTC finally caught up with us, we thought we had navigated away from the roughest parts, only to be sunk back into it's ugly depths.  Stuff I have avoided addressing and dealing with for my entire life reared it's ugly head.  Thankfully, there are those who choose a profession in helping others understand where all this extraneous crap comes from.

It's very telling really, to be arguing with your spouse about who last did the dusting, and realize that the argument has very little to do with the ACTUAL dusting, and more to do with one side feeling sorely neglected and un-nutured, and the other side is feeling overwhelmed and abandoned.

I never really learned to argue, I just shut down and leave, sometimes physically but ALWAYS emotionally.  My counsellor has pointed out that my sibling and I played out our parents' inability to address their issues in a non wait-until-someone-erupts-from-frustration/anger/resentment, and that because it was never resolved, the wife and I now play out this ridiculous theatrics.  I have a history with door slamming and being grumpy.

It's good though, this shit needs to be all hauled out and air dried because we are meant to be absolutely spectacular parents, and we can't be the spectacular parents while we're holding onto this emotional garbage.  It is physically (through our inability to get pregnant) preventing us from becoming parents at this stage.

A major part of my healing work involves my inner child, whom I have always known was there, but never realized how important she is.  Perhaps this method is not for everyone, but it's working for me!

In the meantime, I put on a game face for all my friends/co-workers who are pregnant and pretend to be happy for them (I am, really......... ok I'm mostly happy, but also stomping on my own feelings of deep sadness and resentment).

So, I haven't died, but there is important work happening right now, work that is more important to getting healthy.  We will raise amazing amazing human beings, which requires tremendous effort and insight.  This is part of a rock solid foundation upon which the rest of our lives will be built.

Hurray to marriage!

Marriage

I like to think that I entered into my marriage with my eyes open.  Truth is, I didn't fully understand or appreciate the deep level of sharing it would require.  DW and I started bickering a lot in the fall, not anything major, but our communication started to break down (she would say something, I would feel affronted and totally shut down, either by physically or mentally checking out).  Bad bad habits.  So we've sought help, since it has become clear to us that we needed a third person to help us break our bad habits and build healthier ways of communicating, since if you throw a baby into that mix, it would have not ended well (most likely with a big D, or maybe not, we'll never know).  

Our help is in the form of a very wise woman, who is able to look past the bullshit and get right to your core, which is pretty neat.  She is both gentle and firm, which is exactly what we need.  We are both ready and willing to work and change, and I am incredibly grateful that I have a partner who says "yes, I see the problem, and I see that we are struggling to fix it on our own and that outside help would be beneficial".  

So, while this is a good start for us, we have a lot of work to do.  I'm still heartbroken and sad from not being able to conceive, and I'm carrying a lot of that around with me.  I need to process it, because while J says she has moved on, I most certainly have not.

Maybe our baby saw that it's moms were not ready yet, that their presence would have been damaging, and so held off?  I don't know.  I know that we will work hard to form new habits, to move beyond what we're doing now and further into deeper commitment to each other.  Giving our kids a stable and extremely happy marriage, where they can watch problem-solving and negotiation in real time is a huge gift.

In the meantime, we're trying to be extra gentle to each other, extra not-annoying and trying not to slam our hands down on each other's blow-up buttons.

Meme

I found a cute meme over on .breaking into blossom. and she made it steal-able.  So I am.

Right now I am...

Listening to: a remix of Florence and the Machine.  And the dishwasher.  And my cat grooming himself.
Sipping: a delicious caramel almond milk latte.  And my favourite tea, "Divine Temptation".
Catching up on: rest, since I completed 5 12 hour shifts in a row (3 days and 2 nights), and I'm completely drained and exhausted.
Hoping: that the sun will come back again.  And that my dinner tonight with friends will go wonderfully.
Enjoying: feeling of rest, the not-doing-anything.  I have a massage and a wonderful dinner tonight.
Smiling: because it's my wife's birthday tomorrow and I love surprising her.
Trying: to pretend I'm not cold, and that I don't need to wear pants (clearly I do, since I'm shivering)
Weighing: when will be a good time to get up and get at 'em.
Marvelling: that the weather went from almost-right-on-the-verge spring (with sun and the smell of newness) right back into winter (with icy rain and hovering-around-zero temperatures)
Sending: good thoughts to a friend, who is struggling with mastitis.  Ouchies.


Her meme answers were beautiful and thoughtful.  Unfortunately after too many shifts in a row, my thoughts are not very deep. They feel shallow, but I'm OK with that, because I know that my brain is recovering from my job, and attending to all the small details that I don't get to think about when I'm at work.

Gratitude

I follow a Queer Parents group online, I joined the TTC when we started trying last year, and have stepped back from actively participating in the past several months when we put everything on hold, but it's been fun watching my fellow TTCers conceive and go on to have healthy babies.

There is much more acknowledgment of non-gestional parents now than there was previously.  I feel deeply grateful that I don't have to justify being called "mama", that no one's given me a weird look at being a mother, no one asks if I'm "the father" or anything equally silly.

I am so grateful.  My role as the future mother of our kids is not up for debate, I can simply relax and ENJOY IT and not have to worry about explaining it all the time.

In other words, I'm feeling excessively cranky today, which means it's time for real pants and a walk.  In the freezing cold and pouring rain.  Ahhhh the west coast....

The Price of Love is Grief

The title of this post came from my favourite podcast, The Savage Lovecast (with Dan Savage).  I suppose a better line would be that the price of love is to risk grief.

I love being a primary nurse.  I love having the same babies, getting to know the parents, working towards getting them home.  I love watching them grow, and try to keep in touch when they go home.

My very first primary was a baby girl named Erin.  She was born with only a 10% chance of survival from a left sided congenital diaphramatic hernia.  She fought, she lived.  She was still struggling with some fairly serious medical issues when she suddenly died last night.

I stayed in touch with her mom thanks to the wonders of social media.  I saw them every time they were in my 'hood for check-ups and follow-ups.  I watched Erin grow and become this funny, mischievous and resourceful toddler.

We have babies who die at work, it's always like a punch in the gut, but I don't KNOW the families and I don't know the babies, so I am removed.  By being a NICU nurse, I have accepted the inevitability that some babies WILL die, and that sometimes it's better if they do (when they're option is to live in agony for the rest of their lives).  This is an entirely new level of grief.  I was at work while all of this happened, surrounded by people who understood my tears and gave me the space I needed to just have a moment, who don't think it's weird for "getting attached", who would have taken over my assignment if I had needed to go away for a bit.  My BFF happened to be working too, which helped tremendously.

I feel like it's just a terrible nightmare, that this cannot have possibly happened, that this (rather large) baby I cradled in my arms to soothe her cries is no longer here.  That this baby with the biggest and most beautiful eyes you've ever seen on a baby has closed those eyes forever.

I feel absolutely heartsick for her truly amazing and wonderful mother, her dad and her siblings, especially her big sister who just doted on Erin and loved her with every fibre of her being.

 Blessed be, little one.  May your wings carry you high and onto your next adventure.

Thanksgiving

It's interesting that this blog has become the emotional dumping ground for whatever I don't want to carry with me through my days, or whatever I don't want to dwell on.  It makes me sound like a rather miserable human being, and I'm sorry for that!  In real life I'm smiley and giggly and sort of ridiculous.

Like every other Canadian, I thought about all the things I am thankful for this past weekend.  We had dinner with very close family friends (we jokingly call them my "other" set of parents, and their two kids are as close to us as siblings.  Their oldest is 9 days younger than me, our parents met in prenatal class).  It's a tradition that we have stuck to, despite the fact that we really don't see each other much.  I consider them family and are thus invited to all family gatherings.  I am deeply thankful for them, as I had a house and people who welcomed me with open arms at all times.  It also filled the hole that I had growing up, without any biological family around me.  I didn't have cousins to play with (my 2 cousins are 8 and 10 years older than me and live on the other side of the country).  My parents filled their lack-of-family hole with this other family, and there is an intimacy built on 28 years of family dinners, shared vacation, sleepovers, hiking, biking and general outdoorness.

I am incredibly thankful for my wife, as I look at her just about every day with the stupid expression that belays how amazing I think she is.  She is my favourite person, I rarely get tired of her (could be because we also have different interests).  I have learned so much about myself because she has helped me to look deeper.  She has so much time and love invested in me, and likewise.  We have given each other space to grow, and support to grow together.  It's been a fantastic five and a half years, which blows both of our minds!!  In a way I am also thankful for our infertility issues, because it's reinforced how much of a priority we need to make US, and how we need to have other things to do than just be mommies.  One day our kids will be grown and neither of us want to stare at each other going "ok, so now what?"

I am thankful for our privilege, that we have money and food, we are safe.  Nobody's shooting at us, I can go to work without being raped or kidnapped or enslaved.  My problems are generally first world problems.  My complaints revolve around why my internet or iPhone are working so slowly, not whether I will survive another day or how to feed my family.  I have a job I love doing something that makes me feel GOOD about my contribution to society, that pays me enough that I can do things I enjoy, for my benefits, my sick and vacation time and for the incredible education opportunities.

I am thankful for my future children, who are already giving me grey hairs.  ;)

I am also thankful that the people around me have had generally a good year, with lots of exciting things that have happened (one friend got married, another adopted a little guy who is ADORABLE, another got through a rough spot in her life).  I am thankful that my mom's retirement in December will find her still well in mind and body, and that I will have many more years with her!

I am thankful for pumpkins.  Omg pumpkin.  The sugar pumpkins are so late this year that this completely bypassed thanksgiving... but oh lordy am I going to stock up and make lots of pumpkin puree!!


Peace out!

Goal setting

According to someone famous, all the overachievers in our culture are goal setters.  I set goals, usually, but I'm not known to write them down. DW has been in a transition state, and very unsure of where she's going and has thus been reluctant to make goals. We made a goal together: have a baby.

That goal is something that isn't working. It's more of it 3 year goal now. DW has gone back to school in an effort to get something out of her massive amounts of student loans.

I have also started (back) watching "Till Debt Do Us Part", with the ever wonderful Gail, who herds migrant finances back into well contained pens.  She did a series about babies, 3 in particular involved fertility treatments. It kept coming up loud and clear: your debt should be paid off as much as humanely possible before your jump into fertility baby making. Now I understand why our baby has not yet materialized, it's waiting for its parents to get their act together.

We are not in terrible shape by any stretch of the imagination, however our high cost of living (thanks, Vancouver) means that we need to work extra hard to clear up any stray bits.  This is totally do able, and it's do able and worth doing for everyone. Paying off debt is not something to be done later, Gail repeatedly shows math that clearly demonstrates that not dealing with the issue now means you will spend double in interest.

So, our challenge now is to get our financial house in order (and no more procrastinating) and get DW healthy and well, and to get her through school, and also to save for baby.