What to say?

I have tried blogging over the past month, it just feels like an exhausting exercise rather than a release of words.

We had our appointment with the gyne surgeon, and she laid everything out, everything looked to be OK.  We got our pre-op list and everything in the mail, including a date for her surgery.  We stopped looking at donor profiles (clearly TOO early), and started focusing on getting ready for her surgery (October).

And then on my last set, I got home in the morning from my very last shift and J was in agony and throwing up.  Thinking it was just her biliary tree spasming, she took her drugs and tried to wait.  3 hours later, nothing had changed, so off to the ER we went.

J had appendicitis and required emergency surgery to remove her appendix.  Fortunately it didn't rupture, and her healing time was pretty quick (except for getting a really yucky sore throat 3 days post-op).  However, it has completely destroyed our plans.  Set them on fire, throw them under the bus, completely crush them under your feet destroy.  Clearly J won't be having a fibroid removal in 5 weeks, clearly there is SOMETHING ELSE much more sinister going on that we need to address post-haste.

J has also gone back to school, which is a huge financial commitment for the next 2 years.  For me it means working OT to help her pay for school (since I make too much money for her to qualify for student loans, which she has quite enough of already).  I feel like I'm drowning in financial obligations, leaving almost no room to do anything else, which is really scary when I think about adding a baby.

I'm suddenly not coping well with this either. I feel so incredibly disheartened and sad and bitter, to the point where I feel like I just spend every day covering how sad I am.

Some small nice things have come from it though, I'm learning to really appreciate each day (even though I'm crushed inside), to appreciate spending time with my wife, just the two of us, and to focus on each moment, because that's the only thing that's getting me through.  I'm trying to get a life outside of home and work, trying to read more, eat more leafy green vegetables.  Can't say it's a bad thing...

However it's like a sharp stabbing sensation when well meaning strangers ask a very simple question "so are you guys planning to have kids?".