Thursday, February 21, 2013


I like to think that I entered into my marriage with my eyes open.  Truth is, I didn't fully understand or appreciate the deep level of sharing it would require.  DW and I started bickering a lot in the fall, not anything major, but our communication started to break down (she would say something, I would feel affronted and totally shut down, either by physically or mentally checking out).  Bad bad habits.  So we've sought help, since it has become clear to us that we needed a third person to help us break our bad habits and build healthier ways of communicating, since if you throw a baby into that mix, it would have not ended well (most likely with a big D, or maybe not, we'll never know).  

Our help is in the form of a very wise woman, who is able to look past the bullshit and get right to your core, which is pretty neat.  She is both gentle and firm, which is exactly what we need.  We are both ready and willing to work and change, and I am incredibly grateful that I have a partner who says "yes, I see the problem, and I see that we are struggling to fix it on our own and that outside help would be beneficial".  

So, while this is a good start for us, we have a lot of work to do.  I'm still heartbroken and sad from not being able to conceive, and I'm carrying a lot of that around with me.  I need to process it, because while J says she has moved on, I most certainly have not.

Maybe our baby saw that it's moms were not ready yet, that their presence would have been damaging, and so held off?  I don't know.  I know that we will work hard to form new habits, to move beyond what we're doing now and further into deeper commitment to each other.  Giving our kids a stable and extremely happy marriage, where they can watch problem-solving and negotiation in real time is a huge gift.

In the meantime, we're trying to be extra gentle to each other, extra not-annoying and trying not to slam our hands down on each other's blow-up buttons.


I found a cute meme over on .breaking into blossom. and she made it steal-able.  So I am.

Right now I am...

Listening to: a remix of Florence and the Machine.  And the dishwasher.  And my cat grooming himself.
Sipping: a delicious caramel almond milk latte.  And my favourite tea, "Divine Temptation".
Catching up on: rest, since I completed 5 12 hour shifts in a row (3 days and 2 nights), and I'm completely drained and exhausted.
Hoping: that the sun will come back again.  And that my dinner tonight with friends will go wonderfully.
Enjoying: feeling of rest, the not-doing-anything.  I have a massage and a wonderful dinner tonight.
Smiling: because it's my wife's birthday tomorrow and I love surprising her.
Trying: to pretend I'm not cold, and that I don't need to wear pants (clearly I do, since I'm shivering)
Weighing: when will be a good time to get up and get at 'em.
Marvelling: that the weather went from almost-right-on-the-verge spring (with sun and the smell of newness) right back into winter (with icy rain and hovering-around-zero temperatures)
Sending: good thoughts to a friend, who is struggling with mastitis.  Ouchies.

Her meme answers were beautiful and thoughtful.  Unfortunately after too many shifts in a row, my thoughts are not very deep. They feel shallow, but I'm OK with that, because I know that my brain is recovering from my job, and attending to all the small details that I don't get to think about when I'm at work.