Friday, March 29, 2013


It has been wonderfully warm on the west coast.  It probably won't stick around forever, but it's a quick (week-long) reminder that summer is COMING.  This long weekend will see glorious weather, which is fantastic for all the Christians doing their sunrise services outside on Sunday (my parents included), where for the past dozen years it's absolutely poured rain.

Since spring is coming, I have been hard at work on our patio for the past day. We brought plants from our house that we love and adore, but in practicality do not like living in pots on a deck in FULL SUN all year long (*cough*geraniums*cough*).  We also wanted to plant veggies (illicit veggies, since our strata doesn't allow them.  They also don't allow pink flamingos, a very explicit instruction, yet our pink flamingo is rather sentimental for us and came from our old place, and so it's stayed).  I spent my morning yesterday toiling on our patio, revelling in the sun and warm, and then trucked over a car full of plants to my parents' house, where I proceeded to put them in the ground and also give time to my mom's large and gorgeous garden.

My family is avid hobby gardeners, although my mom is much more into pretty flowers than food (although the foodscape has definitely been expanding in the past several years).  When J and I moved into our rental house 3 years ago, we put HOURS into the garden (and a lot of money, too) and grew tons of stuff.  I miss it, and I don't miss it.  I lacked the motivation at that point to deal with the constant upkeep (the yard was absolutely overrun with incredibly invasive species, which required me to scour the garden daily for them).  I learned a lot.  My mom, having retired in December, took the Master Garderner's course in January, and has now earned the title of "Master Gardener", which fills me with pride and also makes me giggle, especially since my mom is attempting to commit every plant that touches her hands to latin memory.

This weather also reminds me of how much time I *need* to spend outside.  It's not a want, it's a primal, physical need to breathe the air and move my body and be around lots of green things.  Being outside fills my whole body with joy, something that running has allowed me to fully indulge and consequently understand.  Being outside is not optional.

To put it into the context of my marriage meant that I had to understand that my needs were incredibly important, that I was not articulating them, and then becoming resentful when they weren't filled (surprise!).  J is not, despite being a Girl Guide for many many years, a total outdoorsy type like I am.  I completed by very first backpacking trip ever 2 weeks ago and am absolutely hooked.  J will probably never participate in these activities with me.  I had to give myself permission to do these big things without her, to get over the guilt of "being gone for a weekend" and not "spending time with her".  I'm a better person when I get my run in, when I go and do these crazy trips with friends, when I spend an inordinate amount of time with dirt clumped under my fingernails and various sticks and leaves in my hair.

This was a big thing for me.  I'm not sure where, or how I learned that my needs and wants were not as important as other people's, I'm not sure if I learned this from my family or from the culture I live in (thanks, Patriarchy).  This will continue on into our family, since I'm no longer willing to sacrifice my own long-term happiness for other people.  We will have a running/trail stroller, I will get up earlier, I will simply go for a walk with my toddler, but it's all equally important.

On that note, it's time to put on some runners and go for a jog in the glorious morning sunshine with the birds chirping out their mating calls!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Six Years

Today marks 6 years since I took a deep breath and kissed J, which was the culmination of 2 weeks of CRAZY flirting and me nearly going out of my mind trying to figure out if this straight woman was actually flirting or just super touchy-feely.

I still get jumpy and twitchy and so anxious I could barf when I think about that moment (which is how I felt).  We "took it slow" and only hauled out the U-Haul 6 months later.

It's pretty crazy to think about where we came from and where we are now, especially in the midst of all of our "stuff" at the moment.

I still wake up next to her every morning thankful that she's apart of my life for who she is and what she brings to it.

In 2.5 weeks, we will celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary, which is equally mind-blowing for me.  Those 2 years have been the hardest and most heartbreaking, as we *never* thought we would be here without a little one to accompany us.  It did force us to open our space and "air out the dirty laundry" to deal with ourselves and each other, to ask the universe for help and to be on the receiving end of much love.

My own epiphanies are coming fast and furious now, in sorting through my own issues.  I had an absolutely beautiful session the other day and came away feeling better than I did when I went in.  The process is still emotionally draining, and I'm so conscious of that.  No overtime, lots of down time, lots of running/walking/hiking, lots of time in nature, lots of time with family and friends (and of course my wife).

I suppose it's the right time, since spring is the time of renewal and rebirth.

Already I can feel the lessening of the resentment and anger that I've carried around, so we are getting somewhere.  :)

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


So our struggle with TTC finally caught up with us, we thought we had navigated away from the roughest parts, only to be sunk back into it's ugly depths.  Stuff I have avoided addressing and dealing with for my entire life reared it's ugly head.  Thankfully, there are those who choose a profession in helping others understand where all this extraneous crap comes from.

It's very telling really, to be arguing with your spouse about who last did the dusting, and realize that the argument has very little to do with the ACTUAL dusting, and more to do with one side feeling sorely neglected and un-nutured, and the other side is feeling overwhelmed and abandoned.

I never really learned to argue, I just shut down and leave, sometimes physically but ALWAYS emotionally.  My counsellor has pointed out that my sibling and I played out our parents' inability to address their issues in a non wait-until-someone-erupts-from-frustration/anger/resentment, and that because it was never resolved, the wife and I now play out this ridiculous theatrics.  I have a history with door slamming and being grumpy.

It's good though, this shit needs to be all hauled out and air dried because we are meant to be absolutely spectacular parents, and we can't be the spectacular parents while we're holding onto this emotional garbage.  It is physically (through our inability to get pregnant) preventing us from becoming parents at this stage.

A major part of my healing work involves my inner child, whom I have always known was there, but never realized how important she is.  Perhaps this method is not for everyone, but it's working for me!

In the meantime, I put on a game face for all my friends/co-workers who are pregnant and pretend to be happy for them (I am, really......... ok I'm mostly happy, but also stomping on my own feelings of deep sadness and resentment).

So, I haven't died, but there is important work happening right now, work that is more important to getting healthy.  We will raise amazing amazing human beings, which requires tremendous effort and insight.  This is part of a rock solid foundation upon which the rest of our lives will be built.

Hurray to marriage!