So our struggle with TTC finally caught up with us, we thought we had navigated away from the roughest parts, only to be sunk back into it's ugly depths. Stuff I have avoided addressing and dealing with for my entire life reared it's ugly head. Thankfully, there are those who choose a profession in helping others understand where all this extraneous crap comes from.
It's very telling really, to be arguing with your spouse about who last did the dusting, and realize that the argument has very little to do with the ACTUAL dusting, and more to do with one side feeling sorely neglected and un-nutured, and the other side is feeling overwhelmed and abandoned.
I never really learned to argue, I just shut down and leave, sometimes physically but ALWAYS emotionally. My counsellor has pointed out that my sibling and I played out our parents' inability to address their issues in a non wait-until-someone-erupts-from-frustration/anger/resentment, and that because it was never resolved, the wife and I now play out this ridiculous theatrics. I have a history with door slamming and being grumpy.
It's good though, this shit needs to be all hauled out and air dried because we are meant to be absolutely spectacular parents, and we can't be the spectacular parents while we're holding onto this emotional garbage. It is physically (through our inability to get pregnant) preventing us from becoming parents at this stage.
A major part of my healing work involves my inner child, whom I have always known was there, but never realized how important she is. Perhaps this method is not for everyone, but it's working for me!
In the meantime, I put on a game face for all my friends/co-workers who are pregnant and pretend to be happy for them (I am, really......... ok I'm mostly happy, but also stomping on my own feelings of deep sadness and resentment).
So, I haven't died, but there is important work happening right now, work that is more important to getting healthy. We will raise amazing amazing human beings, which requires tremendous effort and insight. This is part of a rock solid foundation upon which the rest of our lives will be built.
Hurray to marriage!