Thursday, February 21, 2013


I like to think that I entered into my marriage with my eyes open.  Truth is, I didn't fully understand or appreciate the deep level of sharing it would require.  DW and I started bickering a lot in the fall, not anything major, but our communication started to break down (she would say something, I would feel affronted and totally shut down, either by physically or mentally checking out).  Bad bad habits.  So we've sought help, since it has become clear to us that we needed a third person to help us break our bad habits and build healthier ways of communicating, since if you throw a baby into that mix, it would have not ended well (most likely with a big D, or maybe not, we'll never know).  

Our help is in the form of a very wise woman, who is able to look past the bullshit and get right to your core, which is pretty neat.  She is both gentle and firm, which is exactly what we need.  We are both ready and willing to work and change, and I am incredibly grateful that I have a partner who says "yes, I see the problem, and I see that we are struggling to fix it on our own and that outside help would be beneficial".  

So, while this is a good start for us, we have a lot of work to do.  I'm still heartbroken and sad from not being able to conceive, and I'm carrying a lot of that around with me.  I need to process it, because while J says she has moved on, I most certainly have not.

Maybe our baby saw that it's moms were not ready yet, that their presence would have been damaging, and so held off?  I don't know.  I know that we will work hard to form new habits, to move beyond what we're doing now and further into deeper commitment to each other.  Giving our kids a stable and extremely happy marriage, where they can watch problem-solving and negotiation in real time is a huge gift.

In the meantime, we're trying to be extra gentle to each other, extra not-annoying and trying not to slam our hands down on each other's blow-up buttons.

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