Sunday, March 4, 2012

Haitus, and other things

Well life has certainly picked up a pace. We're still not pregnant, but it's been a good lesson in patience. February definitely didn't work, J knew right away that it hadn't worked. I feel good for March though, but we'll see.

So we are moving! We bought a condo 45 mins from where we are now! I'll have to start commuting to work, but I can live with that. We'll have space for our kids and we're close to parks and trails and all kinds of outdoor stuff. We're so excited, since neither of us have owned before! It's also a welcome distraction from our lack-of-pregnancy, which is getting harder and harder to cope with each month. J is taking longer and longer to swing back from a BFN, and I'm getting more and more frustrated and discouraged.

The most UNHELPFUL thing people keep saying is "you have to stop stressing, it'll happen". It sounds like "we're tired of talking about this, you should just shut up about it and get over it". My allopathic doctor actually said the most helpful thing: "you just have to keep at it, keep trying". That was much more supportive and much less dismissive than "it'll happen". I want to throttle all the nice, well meaning people who keep saying that.

In the meantime, everyone around me is pregnant. And it's annoying, because most of them were not pre-planned. But I'm learning to get over it, to be at peace and work through what WE have to work through, that our baby is holding out for the right moment.

I find it harder when I perceive someone as flaunting their pregnancy/easily acquired child. I had someone complain that their doctor told them they had to wait to start trying for another child, and I was SO upset by that. Deeply deeply hurt, especially since this person knows how badly we want a baby. They've apologized and tried to mend the fence, but the cow's already escaped. I can't be supportive, it makes me too angry. I just have to walk away. Maybe when we have a little one I'll be able to be friends again, but for now the divide is just this gaping hole and I have absolutely no desire to cross it. It also really hurts when I feel completely blindsided by someone's pregnancy announcement, especially when I thought that they would tell me sooner. Maybe I expect too much? I've had to defriend people on FB because all they do is talk about how wonderful their pregnancy is and blah blah blah and I feel like it's just making me miserable, so I take myself out of the situation. My actual friends who are pregnant I'm happy for, but I'm sad for us, sad that it's not our time yet. So it's extremely bittersweet. As someone in the forum I frequent says "it's not the baby lottery. Each person has their own odds. Someone getting pregnant before you is not stealing YOUR baby". Although I've never felt like that, so it's still ruminating.

J's BFF had her beautiful baby boy last week, I had 35 weeks to get used to that, as did she, so it wasn't a completely horrible experience. It helped tremendously that when we went over to hold/clean/cook/do laundry/force Dad to have a nap/etc that I felt useful. I'm super confident when it comes to babies, because that's my job. The baby smiled while J was holding him (in his sleep, gas related) so I think that helped TREMENDOUSLY.

Another hard piece of news I've had to swallow is that I'm being tested for PCOS. I have multiple symptoms of it, so I get to have a whole boatload of bloodwork done on Monday. I'm also being tested to see exactly HOW sensitive I am to gluten, so I've been gluten loading for almost 2 weeks now. It's been kinda fun, I kinda backed off on it for a couple of days because I was working and I get really gassy. I've realized that my gluten intake mostly centres around dessert, but I think I knew that already!!

So. Packing. Hoping. Praying. Inseminating! We don't refer to the 2nd bedroom as the baby's room, I feel too much like it's jinxing it! We're planning on just storing stuff in it. It's not like the baby needs much when it's first born either, especially since we plan to breastfeed, baby wear, co-sleep and give elimination communication a shot (if not, we have a stash of cloth diapers, since the smell of disposable diapers grosses me out!). I might sit on my hands and not immediately buy a stroller, either!

And now since I'm post-nights, I'm off to bed.

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