Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Feeling whiney

I shouldn't whine, I know I shouldn't.  DW and I are *so* lucky to live in an incredible condo in a gorgeous city, close to our incredibly supportive parents.  We just bought a brand new car, we have money in the bank (although right at this moment there's not a lot of it!), food in the fridge, I have a job (DW is currently searching for a job).  I have so much to be thankful for.

But I still feel lost, because we aren't parents yet.  I just ovulated today, so I'm extra moody and whiney about this currently.  It's been a year.  That ticker I installed on the sidebar has reset the bunnies back to the front.  UGH.

There's a rather large and ever growing list of people around me who are happily pregnant, and for the most part blissfully unaware of how lucky they are that it didn't take a ton of trying (some of these people I'm assuming, since they were either recently married or told me not that long ago that they weren't planning to start trying for kids yet).  Our last round was in March/April since we found out KD had abnormal sperm morphology, so we've been on a break for a good long while.  DW has pretty much stopped temping, and she's even stopped her prenatal vitamins.  I'm sure there's a deeper reason for this, but we haven't really unpacked it yet since we're busy unpacking our house.  We're eating decently, but not getting enough physical activity, which has consequently made me feel rather disgusting.

It's weird that I've amassed this sort of... I don't know what you would call it... ability? to decide what I want, and then simply work towards it single mindedly until I get it.  And usually it appears quickly.  I hoped that TTC would go this fast, but it just didn't.... and hasn't.

Case in point: we decided to buy a place in January.  We found a real-estate agent, but then went on vacation.  Came back mid-February.  Saw 6 places, loved the 3rd one we saw, put an offer in that night, was accepted, deposit paid and paperwork signed on DW's birthday (Feb 22nd), closed April 3rd, moved April 27th.  Done done done.

Next case: we desperately needed a new car (our 1996 Subaru wagon was going to cost us nearly $4K in repairs, plus it needed new tires and sucked gas like you wouldn't believe).  Find car.  Test drive it once.  Don't even bother to shop around.  Buy it the next day.  Done.

So, spending a year trying for something we want SO BADLY has been difficult.  Surprisingly not difficult on our marriage, but difficult on our ability to get anything else done.  I feel as though I'm on the precipice of the next round though, even if we don't know when that next round will be.

Since we're purposefully TTC, I worry that bringing a child into a slightly tenuous financial situation isn't necessarily fair, that we should be extra responsible and pre-plan everything BECAUSE WE CAN.  TTC with KD wasn't really an issue, because we didn't yet have a mortgage and a car payment, but now we do, and now we have to pay for sperm...  It makes me feel like I'm not really a grown up, like I'm just playing at life.  I feel like being responsible means having a child when all your consumer debt is paid off ("you can go outside to play when your room is clean").  It's a fine line between the ticking clock and paying off my credit card...  However, as my lovely DW keeps pointing out, it's just money and there will never be enough of it, but there is always more.

Babies, however, don't last forever.  Eggs have a shelf life.  Time to go.

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